Vivian's Rebuttal Page

2004-08-05T23:10:00.000-04:00

I just got some horrible news. Scotts mom is in the hospital. She is not in good health anyway and the infection she has could be devestating. She does not have the lung capaciity to survive surgery and they may need to perform surgery to get rid of the abcess that has formed. Please pray for her and keep her in your thoughts. She is one step below Nanny to me. She is just as sweet and wonderful as she can be and never meets a stranger.

2004-07-07T07:19:00.000-04:00

As we begin another wonderful day at work I have just one question. And whats wrong with Muriel Puece ?

2004-07-01T20:56:00.000-04:00

Ever since Chas announced his good news I have been thinking about him and the place he holds in my life. As we pass through on this journey called life many different people pass through and if we are lucky share the journey with us. I have been fortunate to have had quite a few people touch my life in a positive way. Chas is definitely one of those people. I have spoken many times about his intelligence as well as his sense of fun. The spirit that resides in Chas is one though that almost defies description. He is a sweet loving soul that also has a backbone. He also has the gift of never meeting a stranger. His warm smile and generous wit can disarm all but the coldest heart. His sense of history and ability to relate a relevant story from his past is another of his gifts. He is also one of the few smart people I know that doesn't try and impress you with his intelligence. It is a pleasure having him in my life and counting him as one of my dearest friends. I am actually jealous of the gay community in Atlanta getting him as a member. I know they will come to love and treasure him just as we do. Norfolk will be a slightly darker place losing him as a resident. I know my life will be changed by his departure. I also know that he doesn't make friends and leave them in the lurch. I plan on many more wonderful times spent with my dear wonderful sister. I now have another reason to head to Georgia. I hope he knows how precious he is to me and how deeply his physical presence will be missed. I know that at least a piece of his spirit will stay here with me.

2004-06-07T13:09:00.000-04:00

I just had to post these:}
After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a

form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the

mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft

during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read

and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half

of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the

gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be

said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of

humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and

problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the

solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has

never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet

per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be

serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds

like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

This one also :}

* * *

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on th is one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You h ave enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

2004-06-02T06:16:00.000-04:00

This past weekend's events has caused me to break my self-imposed silence on the blog front. The fact that I have been lazy as hell about blogging has nothing to do with it. Yeah that’s it LOL. Each day of this past weekend had something wonderful about it in its own special way. Friday I spent by myself resting and studying wonderful new sources on the internet. I find that I still need me time and a decent chunk of it. One of the things I have learned from my therapy sessions is not everything I did to protect my heart was bad and I still need to continue them. I spent a majority of my time holed up by myself after I got back from Washington basically protecting myself from any future pain. That time was good for helping me get right with myself and now it is time for me to learn to work and play well with others. I am very glad I started therapy but it is just like trying a new color on your hair you may love the results but they may not be exactly what you expected them. I am finding I am still a good person just different from everyone else. You may be thinking to yourself well duh but when you spend the majority of your life trying to disappear into the wall but still be seen you can find it very hard to accept that you are different than anyone else. Different people get noticed and not always for the right reasons. I am finding that me being different is a very good thing. I have my own gifts to bring to whatever group I am a part of and they will be accepted and maybe even wanted. It is amazing that when you spend the majority of the time protecting yourself and hiding in the shadows you can lose sight of who you are and the fact you can be a wonderful person that people really do like and want to be around. I know I sound like Sally Fields at the Oscars but hey it is taking me a while to get here. When you don’t really like yourself it is almost impossible for others to like you.

Ok enough of the deep emotional shit now back to the weekend. That last part was important to me but really smacks of OOH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY LOL. Saturday was very rewarding I got to do speed laundry with the other charmed ones and then it was on to physical labor. Others may think I got out of doing alot of work but remember I WAS JUST THERE TO WATCH THE DOG LOL. Michael was the second butchest person there. I was truly impressed. We all know who the butchest one there was LOL. Todd was our angel and brought us food thank you sissie:}. I found out I am more like my mother than I want to accept but actually looking back it was more like my Nannie that my mom but anyway. Sunday was fabulous brunch in a much too loud No Frill and then more work on the shed. OOH LOOK POWER TOOLS LOL. Then Jenn and I got to spend some quality time together getting things together for the cookout and just talking. I think that was my favorite part of the whole weekend. The cookout was wonderful even thoug I don't know what possessed my old fat smoking ass to run around playing badminton most of the afternoon. After Chas and I wupped the younger ones I had to go lay down LOL. I must say this was probably my favorite Memorial Day weekend ever. The fact it was the first one I didn't have to work on didn't hurt. It also reminded me how special my friends are to me and how much richer my life is because of them. Steven will be sorely missed while he is out to sea but that will only make his return that much nicer. Well time to get ready to drive out to the other end of the world to go to work.

2004-04-13T07:06:00.000-04:00

My desire to make myself a better person has led me to where I am this morning. I look forward to my appointment with nervous anticipation. I really want to see what is going on with me but a bit apprehensive of what I might dig up. That being said I need to work on coming to terms with who I am at this point in my life and why I react to things the way I do. I understand no one is perfect but I feel there are a few key areas in my life that with a bit of help I can make better. I had planned on commenting on the leaving of one of the members of our group but there is too many wounds at this point. I feel I should keep my thoughts to myself and let time heal those wounds. I also think that no real good would come from me letting my feelings be known. Most of you know how I feel about him anyway. My penchant for strong emotional reaction is part of the reason I have my appointment this morning. It is amazing how you come to depend on certain people in your life being there especially if they usually share certain activities with you. I must say this first Sunday without Steve was a bit unsettling to me. I know she knows this but all Jenn has to do is call and I am there for her. I know this post is just rambling but that’s where I am right now. My emotions and thoughts are going off in a million different directions. The motivating factor for me to seek help is my life is better than it has ever been and yet I still have my bouts of bitterness an emotional upheaval. This isn't just an emotional issue. My doctor and I feel that once I reduce the stress and upheaval in my life my blood pressure will improve dramatically. Well I guess I will start getting ready for my appointment.

2004-03-02T21:24:00.000-05:00

This past weekend has brought an assortment of emotions to the forefront. The biggest one in force right now is love. We spend a blink of an eye on the face of this earth and most people never find that one true friend much less the one true love of their life. I have been very lucky in this regard. Scott and I have been friends for about 7 years and the ups and downs that come in the journey of any set of friends has befallen us. It hasn't made that much difference in the relationship that we share. We may be apart but we both know that all it takes is one call and either one of us will be there, as fast as we can to do whatever the other one needs. No human being is perfect but in my eyes he comes as close as any man can. There are times that he ticks me off but I can never stay mad at him for very long. He seems to know the perfect way to assuage my bitterness. This for me is saying alot. The time we share now is made even more precious because we know that there are 500 miles between us and we need to make the most of the time we share. I guess he and I are in this situation to make sure we truly treasure our time together. This whole line of thought has made me realize something about the friends I have here. I try not to but at times all of us take the people that are precious to us for granted. I hope that none of my friends feels I take them for granted. The place that you each have in my heart is just as precious to me as the one Scott holds in your own special and wonderful way. I would not be where I am at this point without the help and love that each of you has shown me. I have been very lucky in my life to have the friends I do. The people that have made their way through my life in whatever capacity have helped to mold and shape me into the person I am right now. I have come to realize over the past few months as I search for the truth and ways to improve myself that I am basically fine the way I am. I know the majority of what type person you are falls on you but my friends have truly been a blessing to me and I can't express in the right words what each of you mean to me.

2004-03-01T12:12:00.000-05:00

Well he is gone now. I had a wonderful time with him and He said he had a great time as well. Kinda bummed now cause he is gone I didn't realize how much i missed him. I knew I love him dearly and do consider him family as he does me but it really kinda hurts right now. Don't get me wrong I am so glad for the time we got to spend together just losing him again as a daily part of my life is kinda tough. The mold was broken after he was created as it was for each of my dear friends . Sorry to be so mushy just abit emotional right now and figured putting it down will help. I want to say thank you to all of you for making him feel so welcome and feel like a part of the group. That means more to me than you will know. Have to stop now before I start crying . I am officially a mess right now but I will be fine just gonna take a bit.

2004-02-27T09:13:00.000-05:00

He is here. Haven't slapped him yet. Making him wait. LOL Seriously I am so glad to see him again It has been way to long . Mike please remember to call me with the list of things I need to get today. I have already forgot what it was LOL. I get to go to Eddie Bauer today he has to do some shopping :} Catch you guys later.

2004-02-20T06:43:00.000-05:00

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Enthusiasm	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	45%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Friendliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	55%
Confidence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	44%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Volatility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Impulsiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Emotionality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test

2004-02-09T06:44:00.000-05:00

Just a short post here. Life has been very good to me in the last month since I posted. There is a situation that is going on in two of my friends lives that concerns me but there is supposedly a big announcement coming. My heartfelt wish is that things can be resolved in such a way to salvage a friendship. I had planned to make a post about this situation and my true feelings on it but I have decided to wait until I find out what exactly is going on as far as future plans before I say my piece.

2004-01-05T20:56:00.000-05:00

As another year has just ended the time has come to reflect back over the last 12 months and look forward to the next 12. The previous year has been one of the best of my life. My friends have alot to do with this both in very visible and invisible ways. They may not even realize they have helped me as much as they have but I owe alot to them. As I look forward to this New Year one fact has come to my attention before I continue in the more serious vein of this post. I am a potterphile. Harry Potter seems to have invaded every corner of my life. Poor Chas has found himself trapped into many conversations about the books. Both discussing what has happened and surmising what we think will happen. He has been a trooper about this and I want to thank him for this. While the subject of Harry Potter is on the table one of my goals, this year is to become more comfortable in my own skin. In the first book, Harry finds the Mirror of Erised that for anyone who doesn’t know shows the person deepest most desperate desires. Reading about this and in a conversation I had with Chas made me think what would I see if I looked in this mirror. What would any of us see? I know there are many funny answers to this question but I seriously have pondered this. It is rather intimidating to think about what would be revealed by such a mirror. Knowing there is no way to hide your desires from this instrument, knowing your facade of whatever type would be stripped away. I have tried to ponder this question without any bias. It is very difficult. Would it be something I am not even conscious of something so foreign to the life I try to lead I wouldn't even think of it. On the other hand, would it be something I have thought about. I believe it would be something in between Ron and Harry's visions on the mirror. Ron saw himself receiving the Quiddich Cup and as head boy and Harry saw himself as part of a loving family. In a way, the two had what the other wanted. Harry had the fame Ron yearned for while Ron had the loving family Harry desired. The thought of being part of a loving family and yet standing out on my own merit appeals to me. I know I have a great family and I do stand out on my own but there is always more. The loving acceptance that I long for from a family unit is not as evident as I would like it. My family does love me but there is always a shadow in the room. There is always a part of me my family cannot accept and for this, I have no answer. I am still processing what the boundaries are for me concerning this scenario. This mirror has helped me really sort my feelings although there is no such mirror in real life reading about it and pondering the possibilities makes the process I am going through seem a bit easier.

2003-12-23T06:57:00.000-05:00

With two days left until Christmas it is time for my Christmas post. In this last year there have been several major changes in my lif. Some of which have been good and some not so good. I found though that I can survive and with only a minor amout of bitterness. ( I guess that is relative to rarely cranky LOL) As I have said before it would have been nect to impossible without my friends there to back me up. The great thing about beng there to back someone up is sometimes you don't even have to do anything to get the credit. Just the simple fact thatI know my friends are there at a moments notice sometimes is all that is requred for me to make it through. The party Saturday night was a perfect example of the love that is shared between all of us. We don't have to be participating in a set activity for us to have fun together. My gifts were wonderful and greatly appreciated. As the year changes I hope next year will find us in the same place together having grown as human beings and as a family unit. I find myself looking forward to Christmas this year for the first time in ages. I am actually looking forward to spending time with my family on Christmas day. The gettogethers surrounding that time I also am looking forward to with great anticipation. Just have the egg nog ready Thursday night if I dont have as much fun during the day as I hope to LOL

2003-12-09T06:23:00.000-05:00

This post has taken a lot of thought on my part. There are so many ways I could go about expressing how I feel about her but we are going start out at least straight from the hip. I have heard that the definition of a friend is they will get out of bed and spring you from jail at 3 A.M. but a best friend will be in the cell with you. Jenn definitely fits that second part for me. She as all my friends is very complex. On first view you could very well think what a hateful bitch but once you are allowed inside the gates there is a whole new world waiting for you. She has a heart as big as the ocean and if you have been allowed in the inner circle she will give herself completely. She is fiercely loyal but not blindly loyal. She will defend you and back you to the end but if you do something really stupid has no problem telling you what a stupid bitch you are. She is always there for me to rant to when I feel I have been wronged but has no problem letting me know when I am being dumb about something. She and I seem to share a common trait of loving with all our hearts but once you cross us you are done you may be forgiven but we will never forget what you did. Trust me she has her flaws but don't we all this post is about her positive side which far outweighs any negative attributes she may posses. I find it very calming to know that I have her in my corner completing the group I call my friends. She is backed by the cutest sweetest straight man I know. Steven gives the best hugs around and I think is a perfect compliment to her. The influence they have had on my life can never be measured by anything on the human scale. In this years time they have helped me jettison a bad job and backed me while I have found a wonderful job. This may not seem like a huge deal but I never thought I would get out of Farm Fresh. The support they have given me helped me immeasurably in making that step. I find my life is much better now in so many different ways and they are a part of that as are the rest of the people I have blogged about in this last week. My parents are included in that mix definitely. They helped teach me right from wrong and helped mold my character into the person you see before you today. The fallouts we have gone through showed me if something is really true I would stand my ground no matter what the cost. I am glad to say that this group of beautiful souls has allowed me to call them my friends and family.

2003-12-08T07:09:00.000-05:00

I know I missed the weekend but blogger wouldn't let me in on Sunday so not completely my fault :} This post is about my family and how they have helped shape me into the person I am today. All of you have heard me talk about my parents and some of you have been lucky enough to meet them. When I was growing up my family was very strict with me. My father definitely believed in spare the rod, electric cord board whatever he could grab and spoil the child. For some reason as I grew up I was the only one who could make him show his temper. My mother actually had to step in and force him not to let his temper show with me. All in all though I knew my parents loved me and things were pretty decentrealized I was different than most of the boys I knew and that made things a bit more difficult. I grew up in a very strict religous household and even the thought of being gay was strictly frowned upon. As I came to terms with who I was I knew there would be a showdown with my family over it. The fallout was a bit more explosive than I had realized but the amazing thing was usually when my family would express their displeasure I would back down. This time it made me even more convinced that I was correct in who I was and that I had made the right decision in coming out. My family used everything they thought would make me toe the line and it just had no real effect on me. My mother said some very hateful things to me and I understand her thought process but things like that don't just go away even if you ask for forgiveness. Once your family kicks you out of their lives it is very difficult to ever fully come back inside. There is now an uneasy peace between us but I always seem to be waiting for the next explosion. I love them dearly but the full bond can never regrow. My family helped shape my charecter and made me I hope a decent human being. I know I am very flawed but I believe that when it comes right down to it I usually will make the right decision. Tomorrow is my blogger birthday post. I promise it will be very special :}

2003-12-05T06:55:00.000-05:00

This post is about the two younger sisters. One who is only younger by two months dammit LOL. Michael and Todd or Phoebe and Paige the other two charmed ones. Todd is the sweet one in the group. Everyone else can be sweet but Todd is sweet. He is also my favorite drinking buddy. His loving spirit helps keep the group moving forward. He always seems to be full of fun and is like me RARELY cranky :} Which can't be said for that other sister the one who said I was going to die last night. The number of occasions when she has wished me death or said my existence was offensive is mounting at rather an alarming rate. Still she brings a certain something to the group that is like Chas hard to put into words. I think it is a sense of security I get knowing she is around. Which is amazing in and of itself because a five-year-old little boy could wup her ass with one hand tied behind his back LOL. No I am not bitter because of her comments last night. But seriously if for no other reason than she opened the door for me to leave Farm Fresh she is very special to me. That doesn't even begin to cover how I feel for her. She is a kind loving soul and someone I am very glad to say I have known for over eight years. Having her on my side when I think back over the last few years makes me very happy. I know having my sisters on the same team with me makes all the difference to me.

2003-12-04T06:41:00.000-05:00

The next post is about a pair of people that are very dear to my heart in many different ways, Lloyd and Chas. Lloyd is my gay parent so to speak and I could not have asked for a better one. He has a huge heart and is never afraid to share what he has with those he loves. I met him through Michael and the bad ex. He and I have gone through many adventures in the time we have known each other. The thing with Lloyd that makes him so special to me is very hard to put into words. Most of my friend have huge hearts and would give you the shirt off their backs Lloyd just has something extra that I can't explain. He helped me take the next step from newly out and struggling to becoming a functioning member of the community. When I wanted to hide when things weren't great he gently but persistently pulled me out and got me into bowling. At this point at least for the bowling part I am not sure how appreciative I am of that LOL. Seriously he got me to the place where I was available to become part of the group I am now. Even though we aren't as close as we could be physically (actually doing things together) there is no doubt of the bond that we share and I am confident the bond will last for a long time. Speaking of being around forever that brings me to Chas my much older and wiser sister. Chas is one of those people that if he isn't around when he is supposed to be something just isn't right with my day. I have said several times how much I admire the mix of brains and common sense he has but the sweet but not pushover nature he adds to that makes him a wonderful person to hang around with. He as well as Lloyd seems to know how to handle me when I am in one of my RARE cranky moods. The funny thing about this set of posts I know how special each one of these people is to me as well as the people to come but it is very hard to put it down on paper so to speak. I hope my sentiment will be evident as you read this set of posts.

2003-12-03T06:36:00.000-05:00

The second post will be about the couple that helped bring me out of the closet Tim and Emory. I met Tim and Emory through a mutual friend eleven years ago. At this time I was struggling with who I was. In my mind there was no way I could be gay. Gay people were bad people who were trying to take over the world at least according to my family. One weekend my friend Mary Jo invited me to go to Pennsylvania with her to see Tim and Emory. I knew they were gay and was a bit apprehensive of this meeting. I was so confused though I felt I had to do something. My visit with them showed me that gay people were just like everyone else in the good as well as the bad ways. They could have committed relationships just like anyone else and were basically good human beings just like everyone else. This is old news to me now but at the time was a real eye opener to me. I met another couple up there and the four of them took me out to my first gay bar. When I walked in it was as though I had walked into a whole new world. I felt comfortable in my surroundings and with the wide-eyed innocence of a little child I watched as men freely danced with each other and shared affection with each other with no fear of reprisal. That night at the club opened my own door but Tim and Emory are the ones who helped me understand who I was and that being gay wasn't something you were scared and ashamed of but something that you were proud of. It wasn't some aberration to be scared of It was just as natural as the fact I have blond hair. Well I had blond hair at that point well sorta blond oh well getting off the subject LOL you guys know what I mean:} The genuine love I could see that they had for each other looked just as natural to me as what I saw my parents and grandparents share. Over the next couple of years I made several visits to them knowing as I made my way through the opening stages of coming out I had people who were more than willing to share their knowledge and experience with me but didn't push me anywhere I wasn't ready to go. They helped me gain the courage to come out to my parents and deal with the aftermath of that decision. I saw me through my first real love and the breakup of that along with the other major and minor joys and pains of coming out and becoming a person who was more comfortable in their skin. As the years have passed my visits to them have become less and less but the bond and affection I feel for them has stayed just as strong as ever.

2003-12-02T07:10:00.000-05:00

As I come down to the one year mark of my blog I am going to try and do something I haven't done all year. I am gonna blog every day:}. Each day will be people or events from the last year that have changed me in a good way. At this point last year I was working my butt off for Farm Fresh. I really wasn't happy but I was scared that I couldn't find anything that would pay me what I was making. When you let an irrational fear rule your life you find yourself trapped in a selfdefeating spiral. I had my friends but I was too stressed and cranky to really enjoy them. I am not trying to say I am all sweetness and love now but I feel I am making progress towards being less cranky. The person I will start with will be Thomas. He helped me start this blog and has been a very important part of my life for the past year and a half. It seems though sometimes when one persons dreams and goals and the way they go about achieving them begin to diverge from the rest of the group a chasm can form. It is honestly no ones fault and I would never try and say Thomas cannot do what he wants and follow his dreams. Hey the dream he has now is one I had myself six years ago. But when the chasm begins to develop it is very hard to reverse. Especially when you are dealing with someone who has developed a wall around himself to protect himself from being hurt. The first sign of pain and the wall shows up. I must apologize for being distant. Thomas will always have a place in my heart if for no other reason than showing me that I am capable of caring for someone in more than a friendship way. That was something I never thought I could do again. For that I will be eternally grateful to him. I felt the need to start with Thomas since he was the one who basically started me on this road. Plus I thought I should let him know what he means to me and how lucky I feel that he is a part of my life. Now I have done it I have gone and been sweet to Thomas my day is ruined LOL.

2003-11-24T06:58:00.000-05:00

This was a very interesting and productive weekend for me. Most of the credit goes to my fabulous friends Jenn, Steve and Chas. The poor dears helped me get my room organized and it looks great. I know can move around my room without worying about hitting something. I hope they know how much I appreciate all they did for me this weekend and how special they are to me. Nanny is recovering nicely and because of my friends is basically set in her new place. It is a very difficult thing to watch someone you think of as being strong and vital lose a bit of themselves and continue their slide down . Don't get me wrong she is still as active mentally as she ever was. Her poor body just can't do what her mind and spirit want it to. She is still functioning she just needs more help to accomplish what she used to be able to do on her own. I guess at 91 though she is doing great. Hopefully my best friend Scott will be here this week to see me and spend the weekend but I am not holding my breath. Sorry to sound pessamistic about it but I just get the feeling something will come up at the last minute and he won't come. Well I guess I should get ready for work now. One more time let me say how much I appreciate what Jenn, Chas and Steve did this weekend and how thankful I am to have friends like them.

2003-11-05T07:15:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post about my Nanny. Went to see her last night and she looked great she and I had a nice time chatting about things and I found out as Jenn and I had surmised she wasn't "out of her mind " when she hit the nurse she was just in a bad mood. They had been poking her and prodding her and talking down to her and she was fed up. I guess even saints have a bad day LOL. That being the only time I have seen or heard of her raising her hand to anyone I think it is pretty damn good . Give em hell nanny :} I have to say something right out loud I BOWLED LIKE PURE SHIT IN D.C. At least with some great pointers from Chas I managed to salvage some small sense of pride in team.. I know I shouldn't share the secrets from the master but here we go. Just get up there and throw the damn ball and it worked. Thank you pumpkin:}A certain person made a comment several times while we were in D.C. that next time we would have to bring Rick R. instead of me because he could bowl better. He better watch out or he will find himself on the sidelines. If you couldnt tell I am actually ina a good mood a bit feisty but hey that me :}

2003-10-26T22:46:00.000-05:00

This is another update on my nanny. She was doing great until Friday afternoon when some fuckoff took her to the bathroom and left her on the toilet for over an hour. Now everything that had been accomplished went by the wayside. She was in excrusiating pain all day yesterday and was in the same boat today when i called the nurses station this morning. They were giving her medicine for the pain but it didn't seem to be helping her. There is no more horrible feeling that I can imagine than looking into a pair of eyes that you are used to seeing filled with love and compassion and see them full of pain. The fact I can't do anything about it tears me up inside. I talked to my mother tonight and found out that whoever it was that finally got her off the toilet was upset that he had to do it and didn't hide it from her. I can relate to not being happy with having to do someone else's job but when your chosen career involves caring for sick people you need to get the fuck over yourself and get through the situation with as much dignity as you can and then go yell at the person who dropped the ball if you feel the need to get it out. My mother told me my nanny told her she kept telling the man she was trying. That makes me even madder the reason she was doing that was she hates to be a bother or burden to anyone and this man was so caught up in his own personal fucking pity party that he didn't care what attitude he showed my nanny. I think I am done ranting at least for now. I may do more in the morning

2003-10-23T04:47:00.000-04:00

Got good news last night my nanny made it fine through her surgery and the doctor seems very upbeat about her chances. I am going to see her after I get off work today. I want to thank those of you who put your wonderful comments up. They really touched my heart and helped me make it through the day. I know I am up way too early but couldn't sleep. Which means I will be a true joy at dinner tonight. Enjoyed myself with Jenn last night went over her house because I couldn't stand to be in my house by myself while I waited for news. Well I guess I will get ready for work now

2003-10-22T07:08:00.000-04:00

This post is about the biggest influence in my life, my nanny. I have put bits and pieces in my blog about her at times but have never really gone into why I feel she is an angel sent among us on earth. She has had a tough life medically but always has a smile on her face. She always is in pain but her first thought is helping others with their pain physical or emotional. She has never been wealthy but she is always giving of her money, time and self whereever it is needed. Now she is in a bad place. She fell last Tusesday and fractured her hip. Being the way she is they didnt realize she had done it until the pain got too great for her and they took her to the doctor. I just found outabout it last night when I got a call that was my dad taking her to the hospital last night. I hadn't heard anything before I went to bed and now I am very concerned. It really makes me think sometimes about why things happen the way they do and why someone so sweet and wonderful seems to always be in such pain. I want to ask for good thoughts for my nanny. I know it may sound selfish or at the very least tacky. If I am rambling I hope you understand why. I am going to get ready now and head to Newport News so I can see her for a few before I go to work.

2003-10-20T07:25:00.000-04:00

Just a few words before I get ready for work. Had a wonderful time Friday night at Busch Gardens with the group. A couple of drinks didn't hurt the process LOL. Saturday was pretty decent although I had to drive all over creation looking for a chain saw chain but other than that the day was fun . Actually really enjoyed running around with Tony. Haven't gotten to spend much one on one time with him and really enjoeyd myself. Sunday bowled like shit. Not sure what the problem is but I have two weeks to figuire it out before we go to CHIT . Thank goodness the other three bowled ok so we managed a split with the other team. Have to say this new job is wonderful in so many ways. I think the biggest way is I like finally being treated as an adult in a job. This is a very new experience for me and one I am looking forward to getting used to. Well off to work.

2003-10-14T07:37:00.000-04:00

Today I start the new job. Very excited kinda nervous but def, looking forward to this new experience . Haven't posted in a long time but life has been a bit hectic. Hope to talk a bit about it and the things going through my mind very soon. But you guys know my blogging record so we will see LOL

2003-09-09T12:12:00.000-04:00

As usual I find myself in the middle of a storm. Being afraid of change causes me to hold on to where I am until I just can't stand it anymore and have to make a change. Ths is where I find myself in my job situation. This is part of the reason I have been such a pain in the ass lately about hopefully getting this new job. We all have various life changing moments in our life. This is one of mine. I want this job more than I have wanted anything in my life in the last few years. The change of scenery is a big part of it but also I want to do something with my life that I enjoy and find challenging. It is hard to convey this especially when you let your desire for something consume you and rule your life. For this I am sorry. My nerves are raw and my emotions are even more on the surface than usual. When a part of my life is out of sync I have a hard time coping with it. For all the upheaval that I seem to enjoy having in my life something affects whether our not I have a place to live or something to eat or so forth I do not enjoy. I admit I love a bit of drama in my life. It makes things interesting but usually it is things I can control in some fashion or another. This I cannot control and it drives me crazy. Some people can put things in their proper place and keep them there. I have an extremely difficult time with this. Especially if it is something i really want to have behind me and taken care of. Sorry for the rambling post as usual but I had to get it out at least for my own sake.

2003-09-05T17:06:00.000-04:00

Well I got my call today and what I was told was you have to go through a second interview now. Which is cool I at least know that they think I could do the job and who knows I might get the job. Not holding my breath though but we will see. Well off to Farm fresh cya

2003-09-03T13:32:00.000-04:00

It has been too long since I posted so I figured I would put a few words down. The last few days have shown me once again how lucky I am. My friends have been wonderful to me in so many little and not so many little ways. Had a wonderful time with Chas on Sunday at the Chinese buffet. What could be better all the food you can eat and all the eye candy you could want. When you add the fabulousness that is Chas it makes for a perfect lunch . My mind is scattered (more so than usual isn't that scary LOL) with many different thoughts. Some people love anticipation and spontaneousness in their lives. I do not like it. I hate to change things in my life but will if I feel it is necessary . I read a very interesting statement in Alpha B's blog about being a dog in her loyalty to friends. I find that for myself I am that way. If you truly touch my heart I will be there forever but if you screw me over I will hold on to it. I am Vivie after all LOL. In my search to keep my mind occupied with topics other than the one I am not allowed to talk about I have been thinking about my friends. The loyalty there is amazing. You can usually find someone to have fun with but finding someone that is there no matter how whiny cranky bitchy and overall pain in the ass you are is rare. I have found a group that makes me smile whenever I think about them. Michael has been especially wonderful . He put himself in a potentially uncomfortable position for me. For this no matter what the outcome I will be eternally grateful. Michael can show his funny side at times and stir things up a bit but knowing that whatever happens that he is there and I can count him as one of my best friends and my sister in the Charmed ones warms my heart.

2003-08-23T02:31:00.000-04:00

This is a Launchcast induced post so be forewarned. When my friend Scott lived here he had a cd called Bathhouse Bette a collection of songs done by Bette Midler. There was one particular song by the name of Lullaby in Blue, a song sung by a mother who had a child in her teenage years sung to the child she gave up. That song always hits me hard because as most of you know I was born in a similar situation. My mother was just starting out working at a lawyer’s office in Hampton I think and met my biological father at a bar and then I was conceived. This is what my mom has told me about the situation. It is very difficult for me to get info from her not because she doesn't want to tell me but it is weird to me to ask her about my biological mother. Not that she knows a whole lot just what she knows I feel funny asking her about it. At this point I must apologize the info I am sharing is coming out randomly and you may have to reread or really concentrate but this is something I feel I should share that is hard for me to. Some of the other things I know my last name would still be Jones but there would be two Tony's in the group. There is a part of me that would love to meet my biological mother but it scares me to death. You would like to think that she would want to see me and at least find out how and who I am. But she may have moved on with her life and she may feel I was a mistake and may not want to be reminded of her past. I know I am not a mistake this may just be how she feels. I know I was put on this earth for a reason but it scares me to even imagine that she may not want to know me. The funny thing is I am in no way ashamed of being adopted with all my insecurities you would think that would be a big one but my mother told me I was the lucky one my parents chose me themselves I wasn’t just born to them. That may sound silly but it made me feel special and with all the mess with my family one thing has never changed I am treated equally with my sister my mother and father make no distinction between us or treat one better than the other. I have thought a couple of times of steaming ahead and trying to find her or at least find out more about her but the fears I spoke of earlier paralyzed me and I went no further. Who knows one day I may meet her and may get the chance to thank her for making the sacrifice of giving me up. If she wouldn't have I wouldn't be where or probably who I am today. It makes you wonder what part of our personality is nature and what part is nurture. There are some of my habits and behavior traits that are nothing like my family. There are others like my stubborn nature that seems to come right from my mother and grandmother. This may be a coincidence and my biological parents may have the same traits, who knows. I am sorry this post has rambled but as I explained before I felt the urge to share this part of me with you. It is just hard.

2003-08-21T15:14:00.000-04:00

Ok two quick things. First you bitches need to stop commenting so I can go do my laundry and second on the bootylicious reference Phoebe is the best looking of the three Paige is the sweetest by far espec in relation to that whore Phoebe. I guess that leaves poor little ol me Piper to be the most bootylicious of the three sisters. I want to thank the Source of all evil for bringing up this topic. I am sure that there will be comments aplenty about this post :}

2003-08-21T11:52:00.000-04:00

I will post more later but at least I can say I posted :}

2003-08-21T11:48:00.000-04:00

Someone told me I had to post today so now I have LOL

2003-08-19T14:30:00.000-04:00

These last few days have been rather interesting to say the least. Since my last really good bowling day before pride have not bowled that great but it is fine. I find myself having mood swings which kinda bothers me. I can be silly as hell and then quickly become morose with no warning. I guess it is the place I am in right now. I know thingswill get better once I make a change with regards to work. It is just a slow process. Have had some very interesting and thought provoking conversations in the last few days with a couple of my friends. I see a sappy post from me coming along quickly most probably tonight after Launchcast casts it spell on me LOL. I have been doing alot of thinking lately about being a better person and what I can do to acheive this goal. But as I approach my 40th birthday I feel the need to get it right finally.

2003-08-14T16:11:00.000-04:00

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts LOL

2003-08-14T16:10:00.000-04:00

I WILL LOVE HIM AND SQUEEZE HIM AND PET HIM AND CALL HIM GEORGE

2003-08-14T15:09:00.000-04:00

LOL

2003-08-14T15:08:00.000-04:00

Never forget my mantra or the song that stays stuck in my damn head which ever applies at the moment thanks to Launchcast. Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I' m still I'm still Jenny from the block. I used to have a little now I have a lot. No matter where I go I know where I came from.

2003-08-14T02:36:00.000-04:00

Blame this post on a Luther Vandross song at 1 am opening the floodgates of memories of great times and missed opportunities. After I had moved back to Norfolk from North Carolina one of my friends talked me into going to DC with him and another friend to go slutting. Our primary goal was the bathhouse and glory holes at 1/2 and O. Richard and I went to the glory holes for a bit and then decided it was time to go the bathhouse. I had never been to one so I was excited but scared at the same time. New experiences always scare me and I have to be in just the right mood to take the chance. So we get in the bathhouse and begin going searching. This is obviously something you can't do in pairs unless you want to end up sharing with that person LOL. So I am walking around the halls and this really attractive black man is grinning at me. Yes I will admit it I can be kind of dense sometimes and I was wondering why he was grinning at me. He starts to make his move and my friend runs up and tells me I have to run next door and let our friend know where we are or he will leave us. So as he is walking up I am throwing on my clothes and running out the door. I take care of finding our friend and get back and as I am standing at my locker Kevin walks up to me and asks me if he scared me off. Being who I am I stumble through my explanation blushing furiously as he put it later. So we go to his room and honestly start talking and of course we end up doing what you go to a bathhouse for which included a shower at the end LOL. Then we go back to his room and fall asleep in each others arms for a few hours. When my friend came to get me Kevin asked for my number and I figured this is a bathhouse he would never call me. Two days later he called me and we talked on the phone for a couple of hours. The thing that attracted me to him was his cocky bad boy style and the fact he took the time express himself honestly when he could have fed me a bunch of lines. I went up to see him several times and found that he was very romantic sweet caring and wonderful. He was a ski instructor in Vermont in the winter so we didn't have that much time to spend together. The Luther Vandross reference comes from one of my visits we had played house all day running errands and sharing time together and when we got back to his place he turned on the radio and Luther Vandross's Superstar/Until You Come Back to Me came on so we started dancing. He told me due to our situation he hoped that when I heard that song I would think of him and know that I always had a special place in his heart and he loved me. The next time I was up there we followed our normal routine and decided to go out. He had been making not so subtle hints about our future which I brushed off as him just being romantic. When we were at dinner he asked me to move to Vermont with him and be his life partner. I was stunned by the offer and turned him down. My wounds from my first were too fresh and the spontaneity of the offer scared me. We saw each other several more times after this but I had missed the chance to go to the next level with him. When I lived in DC we saw each other a couple of times but the place I was in emotionally and the influences in my life caused me not to cherish the precious times we were sharing . When I left DC because he had not acted EXACTLY as I thought he should I didn’t let him know I was leaving. I found out a couple of months after I left he had tried to contact me. I missed that opportunity to contact him again because of my pride. That is something I regret. To this day every time I hear that song I think of him and the special times we shared. In my mind the test of whether or not he is truly special is based on how you think of him and if in quiet times when your mind is wandering and a certain song comes on the radio and you smile when you hear it thinking of him or you see someone who resembles him and your mind goes to those special times and in some small way you miss them and hope he is doing well. Kevin is one of only two men who bring those type thoughts to my mind. The other one is Cliff my first but that is a whole different post. I guess part of the reason I have such high standards is those two men. They were two of the first four men I dated and in my mind they were the perfect man for me. I know they had their faults but the overall package was perfect for me. Actually you can blame this whole post on Thomas if he hadn’t gotten me started on Launchcast I wouldn’t have heard the song and made the post LOL. Makes perfect sense to me LOL.

2003-08-08T14:01:00.000-04:00

The happy day is here. Yes it is my 39th birthday. I have been spending some time reflecting over the different paths my life has taken and find that although at this exact second I am not in a good place emotionally overall I have been very happy with the way my life has turned out so far. I must let you know I am very lucky with my friends. Jennifer has been a huge help with my job search. She is more special to me then she will ever know. Michael has also bend way over backwards to help me and I truly appreciate it. He and I have been very lucky to get a for lack of a better way to put it a second chance to expand our friendship. Chas has also been very helpful with the search and I know the rest of you at the very least have me in your thoughts with regards to the job change I am hoping to make. I love all of you so much and am very thankful that each and every one of you have come into my life.

2003-08-04T13:53:00.000-04:00

Warning Warning Warning sappy post ahead LOL. Yesterday at the bowling alley I got to see a good friend and former teammate Byron. Byron and I shared some very fun times before he started dating Ralph who's personality just grated on me like nails on a chalkboard. Unfortunately I allowed that to come between Byron and me. I never said anything but I know he knew. Thinking on that made my mind wander to another friend who seems to have wandered off the path due to another man Lloyd. Lloyd is one of the sweetest most loving giving wonderful people I know. I am proud to consider him my gay parent. Not for any age difference but the way he has helped guide me and keep me basically on the right path. Some of us need all the help we can get LOL. The difference betwwen the two of us and me and Byron is the bond is there and will always be there. No man or situation could ever tear us apart. Although we may not talk the way we should we both know that the other one is there for them if the need arises. Ok sappiness is done LOL My friends obviously were not at the same party as me. I got together with my friends to go over bible verses and share inspirational stories (that part is true at least LOL) Some of them got a bit carried away and had some bad tea but I would NEVER do anything like that . They also may have lost a few articles of clothing but I don't do things like that. I must say though I had a wonderful time. It was just what I needed to relieve the stress I am under. I also might get to relieve stress this week another way JOY . Men are so confusing you let them know you are interested and they go the other way but you ignore them and they can't get enough. As long as I can get some good sex I don't care anymore. If anything else happens then that is great also.

2003-07-29T11:51:00.000-04:00

This has not been a very good two weeks since I last posted. I know I should just get over it and move on or look at the positives and use that but I don't have the energy for it. I am emotionally and mentally and physically drained. Sorry for the poor me post but this is where I am at at this point in time. The only thing that keeps me from being completely hateful all the time is my friends. I am overly sensitive cranky pissy and overall a pure bitch. I haven't had a real day off in two weeks and the only reason I will get a day off this week for the birthday celebration is because of a wonderful friend who will work a double for me. Next week it looks like I will only get one day off also. This is where I am at now. If I am too feisty with anyone I apologize and hopefully things will get better.

2003-07-14T20:41:00.000-04:00

Well I must say I had a great weekend. The show was fun and thanks to my dear friends Mike and Jenn for helping me get the hell over myself and have a great time. The four vodka and 7's didn't hurt either LOL. Tony did a fabulous job on me and made me actually look pretty good even though the puffy and fat and large and lovely comments could have been left out LOL And the doctor today is on my list he used the d word with me. We are not amused. But with a few words of coaching from Jenn I think I am on the right path for this. And a special thank you goes to Thomas for his wonderful help on Friday night at the show and for getting me into Launchcast it is fabuloso. I found that I have very diverse but selective tastes in music. Meaning I like songs in many different genres but only certain ones in each one. I guess it leads back to me being a picky bitch LOL. This leads me to my favorite musical phrase in a rap song. Missy Elliot featuring Ludacris One Minute Man features the phrase Ludacris balances and rotates all tires I love that phrase especially in the context it is used. I know I am rambling on but hey it is the mood I am in LOL. Back to the show I ended up doing a mix on the beverly hillbillies which was very bizarre and I had no idea what I was doing but still had a blast doing it. Sunday I bowled out my ass for me and won both sets of brackets and pins over average so I was happy. When we come back after pride I am sure I wont be quite as happy with my higher average but hey thats life maybe I can bowl well three weeks in a row. Yeah I know and maybe pigs can fly out Jenn or Mikes butt. I have a question haven't they already done that LOL On that note have a great night :}

2003-07-11T16:14:00.000-04:00

I see that my friends are all posting so I guess I should too. Last nights dinner was too fabulous Joe is an excellent cook. I hung around his house yesterday afternoon and He is very organized with how he prepares a meal. I guess I am excited about the show tonight. I would be more excited if I actually knew what I was going to preform tonight but I guess that is the joy of Jukebox drag. I know I am excited about my dress. The fabulous diva Tony allowed me to raid her closet and this dress is too gorgeous. I guess the other part will come to me with time. I think the final gong has sounded for me at least when it comes to me and Ric. I am not in the mood to chase after a man right now and am coming to the realization that I don't want anyone I have to keep pursuing anyway. There is a bit of fun to the chase but when it seems to be all chase and no recipricol chasing then it isn't worth it. Michael and I have this running joke about me taking his castoffs. I think this one is all his LOL. The last castoff was too much fun for even me LOL

2003-07-08T10:11:00.000-04:00

The fabulous Jenn helped me put comments on my blog. Just a little note to MY FRIENDS remember if you put anything hateful in my comments section I will return the favor at the very least. Remember who I am LOL

2003-07-08T09:35:00.000-04:00

Some people need to take a nap right now. They are just entirely too cranky LOL

2003-07-03T16:53:00.000-04:00

Decided to go with a new template so people could see my links

2003-07-03T16:45:00.000-04:00

Hey all I decided I should put something down today. That and I was threatened that I had better blog by a mean hateful redhead LOL. The past few weeks with Thomas talking about moving to DC has made me think about my own experience with moving to the "big city". I would like to think that with my advancing age I have gained just a bit of wisdom about things that have occured in my life. It actually goes back to something my mother told me years ago. Some places are great to vist but you wouldn't want to live there. Those places are different for each person but for me Norfolk was a better fit to my personality than DC. I found that the cultural diversity and freedom I found living there were more than outweighed by the fact I missed my friends terribly. That was my thought process though. I hope Thomas takes a long hard look at all the options New and exciting is better than the same old same old but at some point the two become one and there needs to be more to your decision than just looking for a new challenge. This does not mean I don't hope Thomas finds everything he wants in DC but I just want him to make sure of his reasoning for the move. If he can get back into radio which he loves and move his life forward then I am behind him 100 % but if it is for new meat then he is on his own with this decision. There is more to this decision than just where you live it is also the life you choose to live and the day to day decisions that you make. Even the smallest one can affect you in ways you cannot forsee at the moment. My final thought on this is my primary goal for Thomas is for him to be happy wherever he is and whatever he does. I just wanted to share a few thoughts from my own experineces in living in the big city. They can be taken and used however he sees appropriate.

2003-06-23T20:33:00.000-04:00

Another journal entry. I find myself once again thinking the worst is going to happen any day now and I will be without someone I thought could be more than a friend. Has anything been said or done no but somethings I have observed lead me to believe my "friend" is getting ready to start dating someone and it wont be me . Part of me is sincerely wounded by this obervation but I still cling to the hope that this is a positive thing. I have found myself doing something I swore I would never do with a man and that is grasp hold of any little positve sign I can and cling to it as if my life depended on it. This type of behavior sickens me in other people and in myself it infuriates me. I do not have to have a man to feel complete. Don't get me wrong it would be wonderful to have someone to share my life with in the way that only a signifigant other can but I will not compromise myself to get that. The reason I am putting this down is to read it and see what a pathetic fuck I am being about this whole situation. He is a great guy and is doing nothing wrong except maybe stringing me along a bit. He has not been taking me anywhere I didn't want to go. So it is his fault in no way shape form or fashion. I need to stay true to myself and figure out what it is I want in my life and what I need to do to accomplish it. It is interesting to me that as I reach closer to the magic 40 I feel the need to finally become an adult and get on with my life and stop letting the petty jeleousies and stupid shit that seems to cloud my mind at times go and learn that I am not the only one who is human that others can make mistakes and have flaws just like me and that is what makes them wonderful people. Don't misunderstand me I seem to know that about my friends it is the aquantencies I have in my life and the people that seem to come and go in my life that I seem to hold to a higher standard than I do myself. As I read back over that last sentence one thing struck me , I hold my family to the highest standard of all. Any mistake they make I seem to magnify and hold on to like a dagger to be used whenever I feel the need or desire. They have made some doozies but still they are the ones that helped me become the basically good person I am and I guess I could cut them some slack about the way they are.

2003-06-17T20:31:00.000-04:00

I am sure he FORCED you didnt he dear LOL

2003-06-17T20:28:00.000-04:00

I have the Ice cream scoop :}

2003-06-07T20:24:00.000-04:00

I know it has been forever since I have posted I just haven't had anything to say. I do have a question though whever we go see a movie why do I always end up being named after the dizzy female one ? I do have a brain and I actually do use it at times LOL I am not sure but I think men are pigs again I will let you know more when I get some more answers. Just some things that don't quite add up have been happening. But that is life I guess Well I posted now so get off my back LOL . I would quote one of Dora's lines at this point but I can't remember any enough to do it LOL

2003-05-14T15:10:00.000-04:00

Well have to say this right out loud Some men know exactly what to do . Men are no longer pig's to me Had a wonderful afternnon cya :}

2003-05-10T08:20:00.000-04:00

Some people shouldn't be allowed to let their thoughts roam. I am one of those people. So fasten your seatbelts it is gonna be one rambling bumpy ride LOL. Darrell needs to be commended on an excellent dinner. I know Tony did most of the work but the whole thing as usual was fabulous. We met one of Tony's friends who was sweet and wonderful I wish we could have seen her again as she was warming up as the evening progressed and I know if we saw her again she would have been an excellent addition to this group of sweet wonderful kind loving people I call friends. Wait a minute that must be someone else's group of friends LOL. There was a comment made to me about me being like the Diane Wiest charecter in the Birdcage. One of her best lines goes something like this " I want someone to love me best" At first after the dinner I got caught up in the thought process that no one does love me best. That I am always the second fiddle. To paraphrase one of Michaels favorite sayings all you probably hear at this point is blah blah blah I am a whiny loser blah blah blah poor me LOL. Then I actually had a positive thought don't fall over LOL. That is not a true statement I am not the second fiddle to anyone. Yes each of my friends have someone else that they "love best" But that is not why we are friends we are not a dating service I know that I am everyone's favorite Bob. To give a bit of explanation. I know that everyone loves me best because of who I am. The charecter traits that make me a unique individual are why they love me. Every person fills a spot in the group. They each have their own traits that make them stand out from the group and blend in to the group at the same time. I feel proud to call each one of these people friends and I know that they feel the same about me. Ok thats enough of the sweet gushy shit LOL Looking forward to going to B G this weekend although I have one thing I feel I should bring up. There is one couple that is going that needs to learn how to "handle their business " quietly. LOL. I am not gonna listen to a hoover vacum cleaner all night LOL. Well I need to look for more inspiration see ya next week :}

2003-05-02T05:15:00.000-04:00

Thank you for such a wonderful piece written about me :} And yes I did mist up a bit :} Some men have no taste but remember dear it is his loss. Dinner went fine so I am happy and free for another six weeks. LOL well off to work

2003-05-01T06:47:00.000-04:00

If it wasn't obvious already to everyone else I am officially a mess. I just read Michael's blog and got teary eyed. Maybe we should have had a ceremony and I could have sung "One Moment In Time " by Whitney Houston. Something tells me though those little swimmers have all the inspiration they need :} We did not hear from the wise one last night so I guess that means he had a date. Joy JOy JOY JOY Dinner was great last night as always. Tonight the group gets to be gunie pigs again while I try a new dish. The word easy is in the titile so hopefully that means it wont be too tough for me LOL Well I guess I will go look for some inspiration before I began slaving over a hot oven so my friends have a good meal. Oh the sacrifice and pain I go through for my friends. Just to make sure they have a good meal I will be cooking for eight hours . To quote a country song that should be Thomas's mantra That's My Story and I am Sticking To it LOL . Oh my can't believe I almost forgot the positive thoughts will have to go out on Friday night as Thomas finally learns how to date. I honestly hope he finds everything he is looking for with this guy. No I did not hit my head or have a seizure Thomas is a great guy and deserves to be happy and even I can't be bitter forever . Well I can but I chose to let it go LOL

2003-04-24T17:13:00.000-04:00

One more thing I can take a nap and not be cranky when I get up LOL

2003-04-24T17:12:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon all :} This post is more a journal entry than a post but I feel the need to get this out . This is not intended at anyone but myself. I have said many times how much I love the people in the group that I run around with (well at our age I amble with them except for that red headed woman who has no other speed but sprint LOL) In any group each person fills a certain slot or role and my role is the bitter old queen. It is a role I pull off quite nicely if I do say so myself. I didnn't used to be this way though I really used to be the sweet one or the nice one somehow over the years I have evolved into the bitter one and I don't know exactly how or why it happened. I am sure things that have happened in my life have helped bring me to this point but I would hate to think I have let life change me that much. Especially since in the grand scheme of things I have had a pretty good life. I know that I have had the bitter card with me my entire life but I can't really think of why it would come to the forfront so vividly that I would be known as the bitter one. Don't misunderstand me I am not the queen of denial I know I am the bitter one but other people seem to be able to let go of things and I just seem to hold on to them and let them color my reponses at times. It is wierd I just stopped and reread my posts since this blog started and I have to say I feel better. The memories of things that happened over the last 5 months help me see that I am not as bad as I think I am. I guess my defense mechanism just kicks in a bit every once in a while. I could go on and on about the bad things that could have evolved me to this state but they are in the past I need to figure out how to work through them and get over it. That last part is hard for a sensitive soul but I know I can do anything I set my mind to. except puncuation and spelling LOL Well it is almost time for Chas's dinner I know it will be wonderful and now that I have let out what was on my heart I feel much better now. one more thing I WILL TAKE A NAP WHENEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE LOL Had to let that out too LOL

2003-04-17T08:55:00.000-04:00

Well I guess I should sit down here and blog been almost a week had a fabulous time last night as always. Joe made mexican food taste really good :} I agree with Michael it amazes me how we can get together as much as we do and still have great conversation. Michael and I were too mean to Thomas last night. I don't know why he just brings out the feistiness in me. I guess you could say I have unresolved issues with him or something but I think there is a simplier explanation for it I am just a bitch LOL. I am feisty with everyone else they just seem to defend themselves better than him

2003-04-17T07:26:00.000-04:00

Whats that Jenny thing ?

2003-04-11T05:31:00.000-04:00

Ok so the old woman disease has hit me I sat there and wrote about my friends and left out a truly fabulous one. actually two of them. Chas and Lloyd are two of the sweetest poeple around . Chas you have shown me that a person can be intelligent and not only that but learned and still be wondeful. Your heart is the biggest I have ever seen matched only by your sense of fun. you are my big sister and I feel blessed knowing you and feel honored having you inmy life. Lloyd is my momma a slut like no one has ever seen but also a giving spirit and a wonderful heart. One last thing some people thought I would call their house last night but I didn't want to call them anyway I got enough wonderfulness from them when I talked to them yesterday afternoon. So Naaaaaaaaah LOLI guess there is one demon not even the other two charmed ones cant help me vanquish and that is the demon of spelling and grammer and I am a college graduate go figure. we all have our talents and mine doesnt seem to be that LOL

2003-04-10T21:47:00.000-04:00

I find myself here again at the computer crying but they are tears of joy and happiness I am truly blessed by each of my friends and know this is one of those things that is fate I could never have done anything good enough in my life to deserve the friends I have. When each of us can reflect on what we have and find at the least a slightly different facet of our friends to feel blessed about we are in the company of truly great people. Sometimes I dont find the words to express how I feel to each of you but know that each of your friendships is the most precious gift I could have been given. Thomas you know I have a special place in my heart for you and if I didnt care for you I wouldn't seem to always be fussing at you. Joe and Darrell (i know you prob wont read this) i am amazed each day at what a wonderful friend you are but you are no man's wimp you bring a wonderful giving loving spirit to the group and a sharp tongue to keep us on our toes. Both of you let me know that a butch man doesn't have to be dull :}. michael and Todd are my sisters and I know with the two of you by my side either physically or in my heart there is no demon I cant vanquish. You both are also classy broads. Both as trashy as the day is long (that is a compliment dear :}) but show grace and style under pressure. Tony you are the diva you show me that a true drag queen spirit doesn't have to reside in a true bitch one can be completely fabulous and gracious and wonderful also. Steven you are the most fabulous straight man I have ever met. I honestly hope Jenn isn't Maggie Smith cause you are a true testament to the fact a straight man can be fabulous and still know how to change a tire. Thats right you dont know how to do that do ya LOL. And last but not least Jenn I have learned so much from you in the last year and feel stronger knowing you are my sister also the way you put up with me and haven't beaten me yet is amazing. I know i can be a tad obnoxious at times but each of you seem to put up with me and for that I thank you. And one more thing before I go Michael and Jenn you bitches are on my list now both of you made me cry and we all know how rare it is for me to cry LOL good night pumpkins:}

2003-04-08T17:11:00.000-04:00

Well I am blogging again some people are so pushy you would think I hadn't blogged in almost three weeks or something LOL. (That last sentence was for you Jenn no damn punctuation to be seen LOL) Just a word of warning Phoebe make sure your cat isn't under your feet and your door isn't shut so you won't run into it as you run screaming from the room LOL I had another wonderful experience yesterday with my fun friend. He seems to know exactly what to do to get me to do what he wants me to. I think we will be taking things to another level in the near future and frankly it scares me to death. He brings out feelings in me that no one has brought out in years. He makes me feel wonderful when we are together and the sense of anticipation I feel when he is coming over is like nothing I have experienced since my first husband. He and I share the same fetish but it is so much more than that he is aggresive but yet tender all business but yet has a sense of fun and is in no way a one dimensional person. In the time I have known him he has brought so many new facets to the surface for me to see and each one makes me care for him more and more. But still I have the wall up around my heart and that scares me too. I truly care for him but am terrified of getting hurt. I have grown in so many ways since my first husband but still the scared little boy dying for approval and love is bubbling below the surface. But the jaded old queen is also there cautioning my heart against suffering any more pain from love gone wrong. The last time I felt this way about any man I allowed him and the feelings I had for him to consume and and leave me with the feeling I could not survive without him. I don't think I could go to that extreme again but still I am scared of finding out. Once you have gone through a few relationships and find they are not it you also tend to think it will never come about. Then you meet someone who seems to pass the little checklist in your head and the fear of giving too much of allowing yourself to feel that strongly for another human being raises its ugly head. If at this point you are thinking this is one fucked up old queen you are right. I am and in the day to day act of living and surviving I cope pretty well. Thoughts of a true one on one relationship though bring my anxieties to the surface. This is not a pity party for one just letting out what is in my heart and my head. I am comfortable with the way I am just need to let it out sometimes.

2003-03-20T20:27:00.000-05:00

In this uncertain time I find myself needing to let the people I care about know how special they are to me . I know it may sound rather cliched but I love each of you with all my heart. I also find myself in a rather reflective mood. I am finding as I get older that very little happens by chance. Even the experinces I have had that affected me negatively at the time seem to have left a positive mark on me. The places I didn't want to work the people I have encountered that I didn't take a liking to all of them in their own little way have made me a better person. A still very flawed person but a better one all the same. My group of friends have helped to mold me and helped me grow into who I am at this time each in their own little way. They may not even know they have helped me but they have and I want to let them know at this time how much I appreciate it. Maybe soon I will get a works and plays well with others mark on my report card LOL Not holding my breath though. Seriously I find many reasons to feel happy with my life. I also find that even my relationship with my mother however tenous it may be has helped me grow into a person that stands up for what they believe in. if they believe in it strongly enough I have also found through my issues with my mother however painful they may be to both parties that people can disagree even to something as basic as who they are and if there is love the relationship can still survive. My nanny has taught me one can be gracious and sweet in whatever circumstances may arise. If a person that can survive and be known for their wonderful loving spirit and only have 3 discs in their back held together by a little bit of cartilage then I can be gracious with the little bit of worries that come my way in this situation called life. I want to close this by letting each of you know there is nothing really wrong I just feel this very strong need to let all of you know how I feel.

2003-03-18T19:19:00.000-05:00

I want to take this opportunity to publicly thank you for removing the hateful post from your blog and as you can see I have done the same with mine. I appologize for reacting so hatefully to you but as you well know when a member of the family is attacked sometimes logic and reason don't come into play

2003-03-17T21:03:00.000-05:00

As the official Queen of Bitter I have decided that Thomas is the spokesman for I can't believe I am not Bitter

2003-03-11T08:01:00.000-05:00

Good Morning darlings to pull a line from one of my favorite movies I am in my diva mode :} Jennifer and Steve are fabulous friends who deserve all the love and support I can give them. I made a huge sacrifice and went to dinner with them and even drove there on my own LOL Seriously I feel for you guys and am here whatever you need. Well maybe except to drive somewhere again don't push it missy you know how I feel about that driving thing LOL Now on to a comment my dear sister made about her not being tacky. Dear sweet Phoebe you are so tacky you would live in a trailer park on the outskirts of Elizabeth City North Carolina in a broken down trailer and wait in the rest rooms of the local gas station for young guys to come in to take advantage of them no wait thats not you that is Chas. Then you would be so tacky as to have a coat rack peg on the back of your toilet when your friends come over for dinner oh no that wasn't a coat rack peg was it ? thats right thats not you thats Jen:} I have it now you aren't tacky are you dear you are my favorite sister you Paige and I are the charmed ones and the non believers must be vanquished.

2003-03-07T20:45:00.000-05:00

Yes it is true pumpkins it is almost time for that magical season that one special night in all of hollywood Oscar night and I found out last night I get to cook for the party joy we are having stuffed shells dont know how to make it but I crave it and it the only window of opportunity on the near horizen to have pasta in that house with the repressed bread and pasta hater I mean Adkin's diet loving peaple which I must say to do look fabulous after a couple of weeks of hell known as dieting keep it up darlings the work is paying off and Jen the deal is off i am not exercising with you it has taken me years to look like this and I will not ruin it with exercise LOL for I am sonja supermodel. Issac's show is this afternoon I have to shower and vomit LOL We need to think of something besides our career and our hair LOL Hey I am actually in a good mood haven't gone crazy yet got a lot accomplished today at work and am very happy and I will be at bowling this sunday no matter how early I have to get up

2003-03-07T20:35:00.001-05:00

LOL

2003-03-07T20:35:00.000-05:00

I need to get something off my chest. Clear the air if you please. I am going to say it right out loud I HATED THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY

2003-03-04T19:41:00.000-05:00

Survey say (sound of loud buzzer) wrong answer. Please surrender the shirt at once missy you don't want me getting in my car and coming over to your house to get it now do you precious :} And I knew you had stirred something up with the whole Chas and his girlfriend routine. Phoebe Cole is taking you over step away from the dark side LOL

2003-03-03T05:15:00.000-05:00

What does this mean that Chas has a girlfriend I need details now :} That is tto good of info to leave me hanging Phoebe I know where u live let me know something now I ma talking about my sister not her wonderful cat :}I start my new store today and am a bit apprehensive about it . This store is actually a hard store and I hope I can handle it gotta go to work cya:}

2003-03-01T05:18:00.000-05:00

THE WHOLE CONTEST WAS RIGGED DAMMIT

2003-02-18T07:10:00.000-05:00

No need to fall over yes I am actually posting LOL These last 11 days have been very interesting as I get myself more attuned to my new schedule and my new job. I love where I work and the people I work with which hasn't happened in a long time, The only bad thing about my job is the store I am at isn't that busy and I find myself having to stretch out my work to fill my day. I know some people think that is no big deal but for me I have to have a challenge of some sort to keep the job interesting. The good part is my stress level is way down now although I just found out from my doctor that my cholestrol is bad again which means he is adding another damn pill to my medicine. I have also been doing alot of thinking the past few days with Valentines day just passing and I am so glad that several of my friends have someone that at the very least adores them. A small part of me is jealous but it is overridden by the fact I know my friends care for me deeply. All of them are special in their own way and deserve all the happiness they can afford. I thought about trying to put out dating feelers with someone I have an interest in but decied my friends are probably right about him. At this point and time I don't have the energy or desire to invest in someone I am not smitten with . That may sound harsh but my last couple of doctor vists have convinced me I need to concentrate on what is best for me. Do not misunderstand me in any way if my friends need me I am there even if it means I have to drive LOL Well depending on how far if it is too far I may have to call Jen and get her to take me LOL. I find I am hibernating again to a certain extent. This is a term my dear friend Lloyd coined for me for when I cut contact to a minimum and spend alot of time by myself. The job helps make this possible with my early hours I find myself making sure I am in bed at an early hour most days which cuts down on my contact. I know it sounds like I am rambling but I have had alot on my mind the past couple of weeks and find it hard to keep things in any particular order. Honestly that is why it has taken me so long to post was kinda scared what would come out. Didn't want anybody to think I was super depressed . I am not just find my thoughts racing in a million different directions. This always seems to happen to me around this time of the year as the weather changes and I get more used to my early hours my mood will lighten a bit. Have to say before I go Tony is the diva. I know he is a diva in real life but no one has cooked a meal as fabulous as the one he did last thursday night I am glad Michael is following him this week and not me I got too stressed out just cooking in general LOL I am sure that Michael will make a fabulous meal and with Tom's help will be the gracious host. Now if we can just get rid of that hideous lump on his back just kidding You know I couldn't be but so nice Michael and no I didnt go to Eddy Baer it would mean I would have to drive. I need a chauffer dammit A tall hunky dark haired swimmers build stud in a tux to drive me around and service my every need oh sorry got carried away I told you my mind was wandering phew must be time for more inspiration. LOL I think I made up for not posting for a while I told everything in one sitting well not everything don't want to get any more hysterical queen running screaming from the room posts from my sister I do truly love ya dear LOL As I close I want to let the fabulous couples in my life know how truely wonderful I feel it is that you guys have found each other and to my single sister don't worry girl we are too fabulous for a man dammit LOL Well it made sense to me that didnt sound bitter did it although I wear that shade well LOL Last thought I swear stay away from Momma she isn't allowed caffine approach at your own risk she could snap at any moment Guess I will go now and enjoy my sippy cup FULL of Diet Mountain Dew my favorite drink and oh yeah Jen IT IS LOADED WITH CAFFINE LOL

2003-02-07T05:16:00.000-05:00

Last night was great fun I actually cooked for the group and nobody died . At least nobody that I know of yet LOL. Steven was a huge help as always keeping me on track and making sure I didn't lose it . I really wanted it to be good so I was rather spastic. Someone though put vodka in the sippy cup I guess they did't think I would taste it I am Sue Ellen Ewing after all LOL. The aforementioned sex happened and it was better than I could have expected that man knows exactly what to do and how to do it to make me putty in his hands. Not to get too graphic but I am not one ussually for pain like spanking but he was smacking my ass and he was turning me on so bad I begged for more . Now that I have said way too much I will get ready for work have a great day :}

2003-01-31T20:25:00.000-05:00

Here I am to post again :} My name is lumpy bubbletush who knew :} Have to tell you I never thought I would say this but I love my job. I might get sex next week too from a friend who I havent seen or played with in months Life couldn't get any better LOL Hot sex with a sexy man wow :} One who knows how to please me and bring all my hot primative urges to the surface till they bubble over in a sea of passion that no dam could hold back :} Hey they bugged me to post this is what is on my mind :} Someone in my inner family group of friends not saying any names MICHAEL OBVIOUSLY is not concerned about my well being he is only concerned about a very minute blood blister on his foot when I slipped and fell down the steps and Jenns and could have hurt myself seriously (poor me LOL) but he and a now broken step saved me I cant wait till the second weekend in February when I will finally get my chance to turn the tide completely with a very hunky sweet man WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY THE BOYS WILL PLAY LOL Time for more inspiration Joy

2003-01-27T05:15:00.000-05:00

Last Night very fun Friends great Back fine 5 am WAY TOO FUCKING EARLY time to get ready for work see ya'll later:}

2003-01-23T23:47:00.000-05:00

I know it has been over a week since I have blogged but bite me some of us actually work for a living instead of getting a day off whenever a flake of snow falls from the sky :} And if any one is wondering yes I think this shade of bitter looks very good on me:} Someone must not of told the supervisors at my new store about responsibility and coming in when u have to even if the weather is bad. I was the only supervisor besides the night desk person to show up today so I ended up working 16 hrs today. My front end manager didnt even bother to show up and she told me on the phone she prob could have made it but she didnt want to get stuck there all day. So I am the one who ended up stuck at the store all day and I had very important plans tonight but it is okay I made it through and I got saturday off because of it. My boss actually appreciates me which is something I am not used to now and it really makes me feel good. I t also makes it worth it. And if anybody cares I AM NOT RETARDED. No matter what that woman and her husband say. LOL not even mildly LOL I am a bit cranky after my long day but I should be better in the morning:} Now I have blogged so leave me alone LOL

2003-01-15T18:42:00.000-05:00

Finally back to blog I know I am not as consistent with this as I should be but Jenn and Mike blog enough so I don't have to LOL Not going to go too much into the totally unfair and wrong on so many levels firing of one of our dear friends except to say I will do everything in my power to let him know I am behind him in whatever he feels he needs to do and will support him. So glad to see that Chas is settling in and want to let him know you will get a call tomorrow about dinner plans. You are now a true Norfolk queen so we have to take care of you ::::} Not much going on in my life right now except for waiting for them to move me from this store. I am so ready to leave there I feel all my energy has been spent in vain there since I don't see that big a change in the store. As always time to go look for more inspiration. There is never enough inspiration LOL.

2003-01-11T21:23:00.000-05:00

Don't fall over yes I am actually posting two days in a row. :} Had an interesting day at work today but since I have been under the weather kinda sapped my energy was supposed to go shopping with Jenn and Steve but am too tired to do it. i told Jenn I didnt want to do anything that involved me changing out of my sleep pants which in my mind is the greatest clothing invention in the world except for well you know LOL. Don't fell sorry for them they are going to do intersting things tonight ( I promised Jenn I wouldn't say exactly what they are going to do but it sounds like duck LOL) I kept my promise. Looking forward to brunch tomorrow although Jenn told me not to come if i was going to be cranky :} Oh yeah going to bowl also I hope I dont bowl really shitty tomorrow or Michael may beat me He says I am the abusive one but he hits me when I bowl bad OKAY OKAY OKAY I made that up but it added drama maybe I should be a tabloid writer take a basic truth and add to it He probably wants to beat me when I bowl badly:} LOL I see Chas has started a blog. Now is the best time to talk about how I feel about Chas. He has got to be one of the most wonderfully crazy sweet funny people with a huge heart I have ever met. He was on my first bowling team and is as old as Grandma (Lloyd) but gets along pretty well for an 80 year old LOL. No honestly Chas is one of those people I feel truly blessed to have in my life. I feel true joy when I see his smiling face at brunch. H is very wise and book smart also which is a true miricle most booksmart people seem to have no common sense and vice versa but Chas breaks the mold. Well going to go now time for more inspiration

2003-01-10T07:29:00.000-05:00

I am so happy to see that Michael is doing so well and enjoying his job so much :} It warms my heart to see such a sweet and wonderful person finally get a break and find something that he enjoys and gives him such wonderful eye candy to look at. There are some of us that work real jobs and don't get the same opportunities to be so slack LOL But seriously I am glad he is doing well. Have I told you lately how wonderful Jenn and Steve are. We had a great dinner together and watched tv while we slaved away over the tree. Jenn as always was sweet and loving and had nothing but wonderful things to say all night while we were taking care of the dinner and the tree. As Jenn said in her blog I went to the doctor yesterday and now I have to take nerve medicine to help reduce my stress. I am only a bulging disc and a bad sciatica away from turning into my mother completely. LOL She and I both are very sensitive and that I think is what leads to alot of the stress we both go through. We both take things way too personal sometimes. Well time to get ready for another fun day at work.

2003-01-05T16:23:00.000-05:00

Haven't posted in a few days been very busy at work . It seems at least three of us bloggers are going through career or job changes in some fashion. You probably know about Jenn and Michael but I am getting ready to change stores hopefully in the next two weeks. I am done with this store too much tension and stress and not enough results for me.. I ddo not have the personality for this store this store needs someone hard nosed and firm and that is not me I have too soft of a heart for that.

2003-01-01T10:06:00.000-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR:} Had a great time last night with everyone. Tony as always was a fabulous hostess and the mix of friends was perfect. One note though Jenn's husband needs to stop teasing the animals. I saw a picture of him tuxed last night and he is just as hot as I thought he would be. Then the tease came at me with an open mouth to kiss me at midnight. I need to get sex from someone else before I can kiss that hottie with an open mouth :} Sorry Jenn thats the truth :}Maybe it wont take 25 years LOL Poor Michael is still taking alot of ribbing for his scattagories comments. I guess we could drop it but he is still sticking to his guns on them . Give up the fight Michael you lost that one LOL. Todd as always was alot of fun I just can't say enough wonderful things about that child. I am in deinal phase about Dawn leaving though I will not admit she is leaving until I don't see her at a function. Ronnie was a blast as I knew he would be. Deliciously evil but still sweet. He was a bit quiet but I guess he is like me and has to work his way into the group. I was good at the party drank a bit but enough I was having fun but not enough to impair me. I think I have rounded the corner on the post christmas blues which is good don't want to be a drag. Nothing worse than a mopey old queen LOL. Not saying anything about Thomas I have been way too nice about that person. Well I think that is enough for now. Time for me to go searchng for Inspiration :}

2002-12-30T08:26:00.000-05:00

Had another fun weekend although it was a bit quiet. It was just what the doctor ordered though. Met Mike jenn and steve and a few others for brunch and bowling sunday and had a great time. I bowled ok but still enjoyed myself. I think the wounds so to speak have healed where thomas and I are concerned he and I have had several good conversations over the last few days. I am no longer feisty about the things that happened when we dated and know that what happened with us was a learning experience for me, I had a few friends express concern about my last post. But they were cool once they understood I was just pushing out the things in my heart as a way of analyzing and dealing with the post christmas blues. I still need to remember not to hide from my feelings and use the fun I have with my friends to keep me from thinking and dealing with them. I guess that is part of the double edged sword that comes with being a sensitive person. I dont want to harden my heart and become a bitter old queen but I need to find a way to deal with the different things that affect me that don't affect my more balanced friends. I find myself dipping down a bit into depression but it is ok I have been there before and I just will not allow myself to be poisened by it and I refuse to let it rule my life completely. I am a basically good person with a few kinks and of course a few flaws and I need to remember the positive things that are a part of my life. It is all the different facets of life that make us the complete people we are and I have to remember that and not let the negative control me. I have many things to be thankful for as I start this new year and i will do my best to remmber that and use those positive things to propel me through the bad times. The fact I have fabulous friends doesnt hurt. I dont think they realize how wonderful they are. The fact they put up with my ass is a true testament to how great they are. Jenn and Steve keep me grounded and show me wonderful supposrt. Mike and Todd are my sisters and the love and pure fun I get from them makes my heart swell with joy. Joe Darrell Tony Chas Lloyd and Ronnie are a blast to be around. I do plan on getting to know Ronnie more He is a great person who I think I will have fun with. And last but certainly not least there is Thomas. Words cannot express how I feel about Thomas. He can tick me off in a second but in that man is a wonderful heart and he has proven himself to be a great friend and some i am now proud to say i shared a part of my life with. THANK GOD HE IS NOW RONNIES PROBLEM LOL. Sorry Thomas you know i couldnt be but so nice. I have my image to maintain. Well now this chapter of War and Peace is over. Didn't plan on posting this much but you know once I get started talking it is hard to shut me up cya later:}

2002-12-27T08:17:00.000-05:00

Another Christmas season is over and in many ways this is the best one I can remember. Had a few rough times but on the whole enjoyed myself more than I deserve. The friends I have make me feel safe and secure which with my history is a very big thing for me to admit. My family still is a sore spot and something I may have to deal with in the coming year but I think the uneasy peace will last for a bit. At least I hope it will. Everyone of my friends bring another piece of the puzzle to the table and as a whole we make a wonderfully diverse but amazingly cohesive group. My heart is filled with joy at what I see happening with Mike and Joe and Tony and Darrell and Tom and Ronnie. Each one of them deserve all the happiness they can stand and I believe with their particular partner they have found the pieces of the puzzle that make them complete. With all this wonderful news I still for some reason find myslef a bit blue at this time but I guess it is the post Christmas letdown. Hate to admit it but I dont think I will ever find more than a fuckbuddy to share myself with but when you set your standards too high or at the least very high you set yourself up for dissapointment. So I have a choice I either keep the standards or lower them. Not sure at this time I am ready to do this yet. 38 is a bit old to change your ways especially when you have evolved into the person you are at through quite a few battles and the scars that come with them tend to harden your heart to the point you dont want to change. Please dont misunderstand and think this is a pity party for one this is just how I see myself and amazingly enough I am okay with the person I am. Just gets a bit lonely sometimes.

2002-12-26T18:36:00.000-05:00

Well finally back to post. Had a great time last night at Jenn and Steve's Michael was very funny with some of his answers to the scattagories game we played. Thomas also reaffirmed my faith in why I dated him for 5 months. He gave me a set of C D's that were tailor made to my intersests. It touched me more than he will ever know. Jenn and Steve as always were fabulous hosts and it was great spending time with most of my friends

2002-12-22T20:06:00.000-05:00

I need to follow Michael 's lead about not posting when I am overly emotional or cranky. I know there are some that think that means I will never post again LOl but I can be a sane person ... sometimes LOL

2002-12-22T18:09:00.000-05:00

Being the sensitive one in the group has its ups and downs. It helps me know when my friends need me but it also means a simple gentle rib or an innocent comment can hurt me deeply. Then I get mad at myself for being so sensitive and the whole effect snowballs. I am very good at the pity party for one LOL. There has been another one of those in the last couple of weeks and I think I will back off for a couple of days. The amount of working I do and the stress level enhances my sensitivity and makes me not very much fun to be around. So I think I will step to the background till Christmas Day. I just think it is best and I don't want to spoil anyone elses fun by being so sensitive. I tend to not always think quickly on my feet so I tend to use other equalizers. I apologize if I have offended anyone in the last two weeks. That is the last thing I would ever want to do. My friends are way too special for me to do that intentionally.

2002-12-20T07:52:00.000-05:00

This has been one of those weeks that goes just well enough so I don't completely lose it. I now start the Christmas rush and dealing with the extremely busy time we will have at the store. Had a great time at Jenn's last night I now know why they give executives play doo at retreats it is very relaxing and a great way to handle stress. I cannot believe that fabulous woman had to bitch about me again in her damn blog. I did not get that much sugar on things and her whiny ass was bitching and moaning all night. Nothing but love dear:} She did let me watch charmed and fixed a great dinner so thats cool. OH yeah my I mean her husband fixed dinner. She made christmas cookies so I guess that is something LOL.

2002-12-17T07:59:00.000-05:00

Sunday as Jenn and Mixhael said was a wonderfully moving experience. I don't really know Dawn as well as I would like to but I do know what I know I really like. Michael hit the nail on the head when he said he and Dawn were married to the same person. I know all of us will be crying Saturday night at the dinner for Dawn. And yes Jenn was right I didn't exactly tell the truth last night when I posted about Saturday night's events :} I had a hell day and got into another fight with my parents and reacted the wrong way at the party. Sunday was hell LOL Myf riends enjoyed themselves way too much at my expense Sunday cause I looked and felt like shit all day. But being the wonderful sweet people they are besides gentle ribbing they all took care of me and made sure I was ok:}. I swear nothing but diet mountain dew in the sippy cup christmas and new years eve :} I got my feelings hurt last night but I will be ok My friend Scott was supposed to call me last night and I made sure I was home even wimped out on going shopping with Jenn and Michael and he never callled. I guess that is life though I will prob post tonight again :}

2002-12-16T20:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days but I worked Saturday during the day and then Saturday night I got a touch intoxicated;] I know there are some that would say I passed out but I was very sleepy and just decided to go to sleep early. Anyone who thought I got sick from drinking needs to know I had a touch of the stomach flu:} Gosh that sounds so good I even believe it LOL My friends were very good to me Sat night except for the picture incident :} I also had a blast Sunday evening when Jenn and my I mean her husband we got chicken and watched movies and I worked my ass off on their christmas tree while they just sat on the couch LOL Well time to go If you read anything different in Jenn or Michaels blog it isn't true I swear:]

2002-12-14T18:52:00.000-05:00

I feel so sorry for my poor old senile friend Michael. He is starting to have delusions of abuse I would never slap my dearest friend in the world . I guess the mind is going isn't it dear:}

2002-12-14T00:35:00.000-05:00

Saw the movie tonight the Trekkies ? hated it i thought it was cool and dammit I cried at it. I cant begin to say how much I enjoy spending time with these guys each one of them are special to me in their own way. Saw to today that the new boyfriend ronnie started a blog. I really think he is a great guy and he and I have more in common then he knows espec since I read his 100 list.I look forward to getting to know him more. I know thomas you two are friends with benifits as you say but I have one thing to say about that quack quack:} I had a shitty day at work today but thats life tomorrow will prob be just as bad (yes i am an optomist LOL) I am really looking forward to the party I just hope Todd is there I need my drinking buddy because I plan on not being a good Christian woman tomorrow night because there will be VODKA YEAH The rest of them are great dont misunderstand me but Todd and I have a blast when we drink together:] Jenn as always being the mother will be driving me there I have a touch of night blindness so that helps plus I get to drink HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY Well time for me to go to bed long day tomoorw :}

2002-12-13T08:09:00.000-05:00

Had a wonderful night last night my fabulous friend Jenn let me come over and do my laundry at her house since my roommate forgot to leave the back open for me yesterday. We always have a good time together and her husband as always was very sweet. He was getting a bit cranky by the end of the evening but that was beccause of the 1500 lights he was putting on their Christmas tree. I guess it is supposed to be a landing beacon for the planes at NAS LOL. Thomas called me clingy yesterday because he is bitter about the fact he has been kicked to the curb as her gay husband:} Dear bitter is my shade not yours LOL. We watched CSI last night love the show but the blood has to go have a weak stomach and we were eating YUCK. I guess I will be starting a workout schedule after the first of the year one of my friends that shouldn't need a bra soon will and I want to be supportive LOL. I guess I will go to that work place now. Damn me for wanting to eat and a roof over my head LOL We are going to the movies tonight to see Star Trek Nemisis should be good not my favorite movie type but I do like it and I promised Jenn I would go since she went to Harry Potter with me :} Tomorrow night we have a party at Joe's house so I guess after all is said and done I will be a tired old queen after tomorrow night. Three late nights in a row aren't ussually in my plans but I love my friends and hanging out with them So I will make the sacrifice. Oh yeah and there will be vodka at the party JOY

2002-12-12T16:41:00.000-05:00

Well I guess if I don't want to listen to one of my favorite people whine I guess I should write something today:} Todd is the next person I will talk about. He and I haven't gotten to spend much time together but all the time we have spent together has been wonderful. He is a person with a huge heart but also has a sharp wit who is my partner in crime ussually at Thomas's expense. He and I were the two drunks on the couch Jenn talked about in her blog and I cant think of anyone I would rather be drunk with. He and Michael are best friends and I can't think of two people who deserve each other more. Just so you know that is a great thing:} I went to Michael's last night and saw a wonderful movie with my very dear friend Michael. He also made dinner which was fabulous . I am not sure what I am doing tonight if my dear and wonderful friend Jenn would answer her phone it would be a good thing. I may have to call my I mean her husband so nah:} All is good I talked to her :} May post later :}

2002-12-11T08:07:00.000-05:00

The day begins again I get to go to that wonderful place called work. I am just not in the mood for that shit today. Didnt sleep for shit had a wierd dream and tossed and turned all night. I know I am whining but too cranky this morning to care. Can't wait for this day to be over so I am off tomorrow. Should be a fun night I think we are going shopping tonight don't really know since no one has called me yet. I pity the people at work today I am way too whiny and cranky today. I need to get over myself and will but not yet .Read some of Thomas's blog last night he is on my list now and he knows why cutting a fabulous song from his top 50. And Jenn's husband should not tease the animals with his dress blues or he could find himself in way over his head. LOL One more note before I carry my cranky ass to work at least I can change a tire :}

2002-12-10T23:19:00.000-05:00

I must say I thought I was done until I looked at Michael's blog and saw where he said hateful things about me and called me abusive I cant help it if that wonderfully old haggard bitty has wrinkles I didnt put them there. Nothing but love Michael :}

2002-12-10T23:14:00.000-05:00

Well I guess if the other bloggers are doing a 100 things list I should also.

1. My name is Bob
2. I am gay
3. The most important influence in my life is my grandmother
4. I have called her Nanny since i can remember.
5. I believe she is an angel among the humans on this planet
6. My parents and I do not get along that well.
7. They are very devout Southern Baptists.
8. They believe I was brainwashed into becoming a homosexual.
9. I have always known I was gay
10. I didn't allow myself to accept myself until I was 28.
11. I am kinkier than some people think but not as kinky as others believe. 12. I have a very serious tuxedo fetish.
13. Ever since I can remember I have LOVED men in tuxedos
14. I first messed around with another guy when I was a junior in high school.
15. It was 4 years before I messed around with another guy.
16. He owned a tuxedo :}
17. I worry way too much about what people think about me.
18. I am very lucky to have the group of friends I have .
19. Michael and I have known each other for 7 years
20. We were roommates.
21. He is one of the most precious souls I have ever met.
22. I find myself being very protective of him with other people.
23. Jenn is way cooler than even she knows.
24. It has nothing to do with the fact she has a gorgeous husband :}
25. Thomas put up with way too much shit with me .:}
26. He is a very sweet person who is picked on way too much.
27. #26 doesn't mean I wont continue to pick on him LOL
28. I have had crushes on two of my friends in the past.
29. I am over the crushes not my friends.
30. They both have great boyfriends now.
31. I find myself putting my friends needs before my own.
32. Nothing makes me happier than to help my friends.
33. My favorite tv show is "Charmed"
34. My favorite character on the show is Piper.
35. It is the only tv show I make time for specifically during the week.
36. I also watch a wedding story on TLC if I am home.
37. If you have paid attention so far you know why :}
38. I have done drag badly several times.
39. I want to do it again but want to be good this time.
40. My favorite singer is Janet Jackson.
41. I also love Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Aretha Franklin and Patti Labelle.
42. There are others 95% of which are women.
43. I have always loved strong women.
44. I have not had much luck in love .
45. It is fine because my friends make up for it.
46. My biggest fear is dying alone.
47. I love to live on my own though.
48. I rent a part of a house from an older gay couple who are wonderful.
49. They completely respect my privacy so I feel I live by myself.
50. My biggest food weakness is chocolate.
51. I eat it like crazy when I am super stressed.
52. I also smoke like a fiend when I am stressed.
53. Michael Darrell and I are on the same bowling team.
54. They put up with my pitiful bowling .
55. My favorite sport is tennis.
56. I wanted to be Chris Evert when I was growing up.
57. I cried when she retired.
58. My favorite player now is Monica Seles then Lyndsey Davenport.
59. I also like the Williams sisters.
60. My friends say I cry at anything.
61. I didnt cry for 2 years after my first boyfriend and I broke up.
62. I was too depressed .
63 I almost did something very stupid over him.
64. I am much better now.
65. I am very protective of my heart now.
66. Michael Todd and I are the Charmed Ones:}
67. I am Piper Michael is Phoebe and Todd is Paige
68. I was a music major in college.
69. I used to be able to sing fairly well before I started smoking.
70. Thomas says you can see the exact moment I became gay on my senior recital tape.
71. I embarass easily.
72. I think a big part of it comes from my upbringing.
73. I still have a few morals.
74. Not many if the right man comes along.:}
75. And he has to be more than breathing :}
76. Vodka is my friend:}
77. Not that often though since I do work for a living:]
78. Vodka almost led me to have sex with a guy I like as an aquantaince but don't want to get involved with.
79. That night he was a gentleman thank goodness:]
80. I let things bother me too much.
81. I forgive fairly easily but have a hard time forgetting.
82. I bowled in one tounament so far
83. I did fairly well.
84. I have written several tuxedo domination erotic stories.
85. I love to write about my fetish.
86. I talk online with a few guys I have never met from other parts of the country.
87. I doubt I will ever meet them.
88. This is the first time I have ever publicly talked about my fetish.
89. It scares the shit out of me .
90. I will get over it .
91. I am very shy when I first meet people.
92. Once I know you I dont ever shut up.:}
93. I protect my friends more than myself.
94. That includes Thomas :}
95. We joke him unmercifully but we all know including him it is in fun.
96. Anyone else better watch out if they attack him.
97. I love most foods except peas and fatty meats and a few other foods I don't even want to think about.
98. I agree with michael that there is a seperate place in our stomachs for dessert:]
99. I believe very firmly in romance
100. I have not yet met Mr. Right.

2002-12-10T08:07:00.000-05:00

Just about time for me to go to work. I really do like my job on the whole but there are days that they make me want to beat them . I am a front-end Manager for a grocery chain which is layman's terms means I am everyones bitch. It pays the bills though and gives me a bit of extra money so i guess it is cool. Toinight should be a slow night once i get home which is good cause I am still recovering from this weekend and the pain and torture they put me through in what they called the Grand Illumination. Jenn Michael and I are going shopping this week for our friend Dawn since she is leaving town. This is obviously a very busy season for me as it is all of us mine just seems worse since my work also gets worse as Christmas approaches. But enough whining I am a lucky one since I have a decent job. Oh last night also Thomas helped me get my blog streamlined and helped me get going which was very sweet of him. I know though he is looking for POST BREAKUP SEX aINT GONNA HAPPEN THOUGH LOL Michael I think will be reading these blogs slowly but surely or group is getting turned on to the blogs. Oh one last note about punctuation and spelling yes I went to college and I did graduate but no I cant spell or puncuate correctly if it offends you I apologize so kiss off LOL

2002-12-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you just a bit about the group of friends I hang out with. They first off are all very wonderful people in their own way. Thomas as I told you before is my ex he and I dated for several months this year and I basically enjoyed myself while with him. Our ownly problem seemed to be that when it came to him sex and the truth he didnt know how to tell it. He is overall a good person and is a good friend. Then there is Michael who I have known it seems forever. Michael is one of the sweetest most wonderful vicious bitches I have ever met. The word bitch in this context is a compliment really LOL. I may be a touch bitter since he told me Sunday night my exsistance was offensive:} Then there is Joe who is a true gentleman except when he is drinking LOL He and Michael date and it is a wonderful thing they have found each other. Darrell and Tony are both wonderful sweet people except for the fact Darrell is a little too keen on violence. They are a couple and Tony will get a ring this christmas I just know it. Then there is Jenn who is the diva and the mother of this brood. She is the queen of the land of the misfit toys. And then there is my I mean Jenn's husband Steven who is the coolest straight guy I have ever met. The fact he is gorgeous doesnt hurt. He is married to Jenn so he has to be gorgeous and wonderful the queen would have it no other way. We all get along very well and travel well together except when we let speedwalker lead the group. That bitch has no low gear when it comes to walking and is constantly calling us old and slow. Which with this group means you guessed it we go even slower LOL. In future posts I will tell you about my other friends including the third member of the power of three Todd aka Paige Lloyd aka Grandma Chas aka Aunt hagatha (nothing but love dear ) and other various people